towazu

If I wasn't at work today I'm sure I'd feel very uneasy because that's my personality. I can't feel relaxed with the sense of shirked obligations hanging over my head. I feel this way even on my days off.

But! If it were possible to access obligationless peace I felt before I entered school, I could really go for a hot hot bath right now. Maybe with something fragrant, bright, and fresh in the water. It's misty and cold today and my body is achey and uncomfortable.

I hadn't posted about this because I wasn't ready to. Partially I've been processing the information.
My very dear friends are engaged to be married, and they've invited me to be a bridesman (like a bridesmaid who is a man, haha) in their wedding.

The bride has been my precious friend since middle school. She saved my life twice. Still, I was pretty shocked.

What a selfish bastard I am, making her beautiful wedding into yet another vehicle to torture myself with.

Overall I am keeping my self hatred and relationship anxiety managed and checked. For the first time in a long time, I feel a drive to live and be my best self.

I think as I grow older, I suffer from a sense that I am diminishing in importance to the people around me. I want them to be happy and have their own lives, but those lives don't have much to do with me. I feel no drive to bond with others, because I don't see how I could be important to anyone at all. I guess being invited to be in the wedding is somewhat of a reality check. Yes, her life in the day-to-day has little to do with me. But just as I cherish her, could she not still cherish me anyways? Being mentally ill is very stupid sometimes. Haha.

I am worried I may be catching a cold--

Last night, I was feeling a bit cold. I had the fan running and was sitting still for a long time, lost in a casual conversation over discord, so I thought that may be why. I got into the shower later than intended, but eager to warm my body with the hot water.

I stayed under the water for the usual amount of time, but I still felt cold. I could tell the water was very hot, maybe even hotter than usual, feeling it on my skin and watching the steam rise. I really needed to get to bed though, so I got out in a timely fashion.

This morning, my throat feels a bit funny. I've been very drained over the last few days. It's always hard for me to tell if I'm fatigued because I can't sleep, ate too light, or if I'm getting sick. My therapist asked me on Tuesday how my self care is going. When your mental state goes off the rails, it's good to prioritize physical needs as much as possible. But that's also how it goes, when your mental state goes off the rails, your physical needs may be the canary in the coal mine. As soon as spring started, my sleeping and eating became wildly inconsistent, but I'll still floss and shower every day. That's just how I am.

My friends and I are going to the Renn Faire on Saturday, and my roommate had a surprise for me on Sunday. I am praying and praying that this is just a fluke, and I am just sleep deprived and underfed. If I still feel sick tomorrow morning, I won't go.